Did You Hear What I Heard?
by ucsbdad
Summary: Beckett and Espo, then Beckett and Castle. During a slightly AU Killshot.
1. Chapter 1

Did You Hear What I Heard?

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Do not own any of this, just borrowing them. I'll put them right back where I found them. Rating: K Time: During Killshot, but slightly AU.

Detective Kate Beckett hefted the rifle in her hands. It was nothing but a lump of steel. By itself it had no power to harm her. She had no reason to fear it. "Thanks, Espo." She mumbled.

"No problem. But we have something else to talk about."

"What?"

Espo slowly shook his head. "Not a what, a who. Castle."

Beckett felt her face flushing. "Espo, this is not the time or…"

"You don't know what I'm going to say, so how do you know whether this is the time for what I want to talk to you about?"

Beckett glared at her friend, who returned a level stare and a slight smile. Esposito continued. "Castle has good reactions. He spotted the sun glinting off of the sniper's scope and headed right for you. If he'd been a half second faster, he might have gotten to the bullet first."

Kate's glare returned. "If you think I don't appreciate everything…" she began coldly.

"Not my point, Beckett. Just listen, will you?"

Kate nodded, not a bit happy about where this conversation was going.

"I have pretty good reactions myself. As soon as I heard the shot and saw you fall, I headed for you as well. I got close enough to hear what Castle said to you, there on the ground. Something you say you don't remember."

Beckett dropped the rifle on the table and took a step back. "Esposito, now you are way out of line. You have no right to…" She suddenly realized she'd spoken too soon and felt a block of ice start to form in her stomach.

Espo nodded slowly. "I'm only out of line if you knew what he said." He shook his head. "Beckett, there may be some of Lanie's customers that don't know that Castle loves you, but that's about it. You may just have been the last person in the 12th to figure it out, but you know, don't you?"

Kate nodded slowly. "Espo, I can't handle this right now. I'll get through my current problems, I'll get a handle on whoever ordered my mom's murder, and I'll work things out with Castle. I just can't do all of it right now. I just can't."

Esposito held up his hands to stop her. "Again, not my point. I want to talk about Castle. This concerns you only to the extent you care for him. Okay?"

"Castle and I are complicated…" She stopped, unable to say any more.

"Demming lasted a couple of months, right? Josh lasted about a year. Castle's been here for almost three years. How complicated is that?"

Kate took a deep breath and let it out. She tried and failed to reply.

"You could get him out of your life if you wanted to, you know."

Kate snorted. "Like hell! He's here at the personal invitation of the mayor. How could I make him leave?"

"Just tell him whatever you told Demming and Josh. He'd be out of your life for good in five minutes and he'd never be back. But you don't want that, do you?"

Kate managed to nod. "He's my partner." Was all that she could manage.

"And I want to talk about your partner." Espo rocked back on his heels and stared briefly at the ceiling. "I learned a lot about stress in Iraq. It bothers everyone, Special Forces, Rangers, the airborne, straight leg infantry, all the way down to the over-age, pot-bellied, balding supply sergeants from the Ohio National Guard who never expected to be deployed to a war zone."

"Castle's not a soldier." Kate said softly. What was this about?

"No, he's no nineteen year old kid straight out of Ranger school, all full of adrenaline and testosterone. He's not a cop, either. He's a forty-something writer who's following the woman he loves down dark alleys and through busted doors wearing a protective vest that says "Writer" and not carrying a weapon. You'd think that'd wear on him after a while."

Kate frowned. This was getting worse. "Do you think he has..?" She was unable to finish the sentence.

Espo shrugged. "I don't know. He's as hard to read as you are. Harder, maybe. I've had years of practice reading you."

"Castle is a poker player. And his life revolves around telling stories, the line between truth and fiction with him is very narrow." The block of ice in Kate's stomach was now starting to twist. Could everything she'd done to protect herself now be hurting Castle? Could he end up like she was now? Was she causing this?

"I can't make him stop. You know that. He wouldn't stay in the car when I ordered him to, even when I handcuffed him. He won't stay away. He won't…" The block of ice was now twisting harder and harder. "So you think he's…got problems?"

Again Espo shrugged. "Like I said, he's hard to read. There have been times, after a hard day, when I thought he was about to lose it totally. Other times, I think he could walk the length and breadth of Afghanistan and make a new friend at every stop. Ninety nine percent of the time, I think he's somewhere in between."

Espo stopped and stared at the ceiling again. "Stress is odd. Combat stress, you prepare for. You do immediate action drills until you can do them in your sleep. You send rounds downrange until your M-4 feels like you were born with it. You know everyone on your team better than their parents do. You know their strengths and weaknesses. But sometimes the stressors that sneak up on you aren't from combat."

Kate was confused. "What do you mean?"

"You find out your son's grades have tanked. Your daughter's now dating some thug. Your wife's e-mails seem cold and distant. There isn't one damned thing you can do about it because you're on the other side of the world. You obsess about it. You think too much about it. You get careless, you get sloppy, you get dead."

Kate felt like throwing up. She couldn't let that happen to Castle. She couldn't…She couldn't what? What could she do? "If it's not the danger, what is it with Castle?"

"He's been chasing the woman he loves for years now, into one potentially fatal case and out of another. I don't think he has any idea if you think of him as anything more than the guy who brings you coffee each morning. Like I said, that's gotta wear on a man."

"Kate, I said you're hard to read, but I've had practice. He's a lot more to you than Mr. Coffee. He may even be the one you've waited your whole life for. I don't know, but you know he loves you. What do you want?"

Kate stared at the floor so that Espo wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. "More." She managed to choke out. The word was no sooner out of her mouth than she recognized how absurd that was. How could she ever be more to Richard Castle? She had been broken when they first met and she was far worse now. Could she ever get better? Then a thought sped through her mind_. He said he loves me. He loves me. He wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it, would he? Even if he thought I was dying? _

She shook her head violently. "Espo, I can't. I just can't."

"Okay, then let's worry about what you can do. You don't have to grab Castle and head for Dr. Phil to discuss your relationship over a long weekend. All you have to do is give him a little pep talk. Let him know you care. Not how much, just that you care. Make him feel better. You've done this before when other detectives have screwed up. You let us know that we wouldn't be cast into the outer darkness because we weren't perfect. You can do this."

Kate nodded, still not letting Espo see her eyes. "I can do this."

Detective Kate Beckett was tired. The adrenaline rush from the confrontation with Lee Travis was long gone. She stared at the computer screen, trying to cudgel her brain into completing the sentence she had begun minutes ago. Nothing came.

Castle sat next to her in his usual chair, playing with a new app on his phone. Suddenly, he put the phone away, "I should be going." He said as he started to stand. "See you tomorrow?"

Kate quickly grabbed his hand, clumsily grabbing his wrist between her thumb and forefinger. "No wait!" she said too quickly.

She had spent two hours the night before carefully composing her pep talk for Castle. It was as emotionally neutral as she could make it, but she thought it would work. At least for a while. But as soon as her hand touched Castle, she couldn't recall a single word of her prepared speech.

"Castle, I've been a mess since I got shot. You know that."

Castle sat back down, concern plain on his face. "No, I didn't. Sure, you had a bit of a problem on our first case when you got back, but you handled it. This case, being about a sniper, naturally upset you. It upset me, too."

Kate shook her head, trying to get back to her prepared talk. Not one word came to her. "I've been having trouble the whole time. It's on and off, but it keeps coming back. I'm hypervigilant, which isn't a bad thing for a cop. My startle reaction is way too strong. Mostly, I still have nightmares and flashbacks. Sometimes I drink too much to try to get to sleep. It must show the next day."

Castle shook his head. Kate could see that concern had turned to guilt on Castle's face. "Kate, I should have seen it. I'm so sorry. I can't tell you how…"

"Castle, don't you dare apologize." Beckett barked. She quickly looked around, but the bullpen was nearly empty, the nearest detectives were at the other end. No one had heard.

She released Castle's hand. "Having you to watch my back…" Kate tried again to remember some part of her prepared speech.

"I like to watch your front, too. It's equally spectacular." The look on Castle's face didn't match the flirty nature of his comment.

Kate rolled her eyes and then smiled. "Having you as a partner since the shooting has meant more to me than I can say. If it wasn't for you, I might be in some psych ward, all rolled up in the fetal position, sucking my thumb."

Castle grinned at her. "Okay, Detective Beckett, you no longer have a partner. You now get my extra special comic sidekick package. From now on, I'm going to pick you up in the morning and stay with you until I drop you at your place at night. If anything happens after that, you will call me at once and I'll be right there."

Kate smiled, but shook her head. "You don't have to do that."

"You're right, I don't have to do that, but I'm going to do it. We're partners."

Kate had no idea she was about to say what came next. "I'm going to beat this, Castle. And when I do, I'm going to do more than tell you how grateful I am."

Kate dropped her eyes. She couldn't look at Castle. Long seconds passed, but neither one said anything else. Finally, she spoke. "If you're going to stay here, you might as well help with the paperwork."

Castles' eyes narrowed. "I suppose."

Kate handed him a stack of reports. "These are witness reports. They're almost all the same. You should be able to reduce them to a few paragraphs." Castle took the papers with a sour look on his face, but he started looking through them.

Kate went back to her report. She finished the sentence she had been stuck on in seconds.

"Kate, have you ever thought of doing your reports in rhyming couplets?"

_My God! What am I going to do when I am better?_

Author's Note: I spent 31 years working for the US Department of Veteran's Affairs, but am by no means an expert on PTSD. This is just my take on that, which I will not write about again.


	2. Chapter 2

Sunday Punch

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I checked. I do not own this. Wish I did, though. Rating: K Set during An Embarrassment of Bitches.

Roy Montgomery slowly lowered his revolver. Kate Beckett looked back to Dick Coonan who was now sneering at her. Suddenly, Castle slammed his head back into Coonan's face, breaking his nose. As Coonan aimed at Castle, Beckett drew her weapon, aiming at Coonan's shoulder. She fired and clipped the top of his shoulder. Before she could fire again, Coonan fired at Castle. Castle pitched forward onto his face as Beckett was splattered with his blood and brains. "No!" She screamed, throwing herself onto Castle. She turned him over, only to see the gory exit wound in his forehead. Kate Beckett screamed and screamed. In the background she could hear Coonan laughing.

Kate Beckett bolted upright in her bed. Her right hand clawing for the pistol that wasn't on her hip. Her heart pounded and sweat was pouring off of her. It was another damned nightmare.

She turned on the light and checked her alarm clock. She would have to get up in an hour anyway. She might as well get to the precinct early, check the reports on Kay Capuccio and then head for her appointment.


	3. Chapter 3

Sunday Punch, Continued

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I checked. I do not own this. Wish I did, though. Rating: K. Set during "An Embarrassment of Bitches".

Roy Montgomery slowly lowered his revolver. Kate Beckett looked back to Dick Coonan who was now sneering at her. Suddenly, Castle slammed his head back into Coonan's face, breaking his nose. As Coonan aimed at Castle, Beckett drew her weapon, aiming at Coonan's shoulder. She fired and clipped the top of his shoulder. Before she could fire again, Coonan fired at Castle. Castle pitched forward onto his face as Beckett was splattered with his blood and brains. "No!" She screamed, throwing herself onto Castle. She turned him over, only to see the gory exit wound in his forehead. Kate Beckett screamed and screamed. In the background she could hear Coonan laughing.

Kate Beckett bolted upright in her bed. Her right hand clawing for the pistol that wasn't on her hip. Her heart pounded and sweat was pouring off of her. It was another damned nightmare.

She turned on the light and checked her alarm clock. She would have to get up in an hour anyway. She might as well get to the precinct early, check the reports on Kay Capuccio and then head for her appointment.

Four hours later, and precisely on time, Kate Beckett kept her appointment with Dr. Carver Burke.

"Good morning, Kate. How are you?"

Kate sat in the chair across from her therapist and took a deep breath. "I had a nightmare last night. It was so bad it woke me up."

"Your shooting again?"

Kate shook her head, but didn't reply at once. Doctor Burke waited until Kate finally spoke. Kate first told Burke what had really happened. How her mother's murderer had taken Castle hostage in the precinct and how she had shot and killed Coonan. Then she described the nightmare.

Dr. Burke sat pondering for several minutes. "Do you think that you may have some unresolved issues with Mr. Castle? With Coonan dead, you have no further leads on your mother's murder. Could you subconsciously resent Castle for that?"

"No!" Kate barked, surprising herself with the vehemence of her reply. "Castle did the right thing by smashing Coonan's nose like that. He was a hostage, and a contract killer like Coonan would have had no use for a hostage once he had gotten away from the precinct. I had no choice but to shoot and to shoot to kill. Castle did the right thing and I did the right thing. I would have shot Coonan if anyone else had been the hostage."

"But Castle was the hostage. Didn't that effect your decision?"

Kate shook her head. "The decision would have been the same. If Coonan had killed Castle, as he did in my nightmare, the consequences of my decision would have been…worse."

"Worse how?"

Kate realized she was walking on dangerous ground. "He's my partner, my friend. I would have felt terrible." Kate knew she couldn't say the rest out loud. _I would have lost a man I'm falling in love with. Oh, hell! Why lie to yourself? You are in love with Castle. A man whose love I'm afraid of. I would have lost a man who could save me from what I've become, or destroy me utterly if he didn't love me, or if he stopped loving me._

"You don't seem to have reached any conclusions about your relationship with Mr. Castle, have you?"

"It's complicated." She recognized the same worn lie as soon as she said it.

"You always describe the relationship with that word, but you seem unable to explain why it's complicated."

Kate had to change the subject. "I think I know the basis for the dream. I'm worried Castle also has PTSD and that I'm responsible for it."

"You haven't shot at him, have you?" Dr. Burke teased.

Kate shook her head. "I have a friend, Javier Esposito who served in Iraq. He suffered from PTSD, in fact he's helped me just by proving that you can recover from PTSD. He told me Castle isn't trained for the sort of things he's been exposed to shadowing me, the gunfights, assaults, going down dark alleys and through doors with no idea what's ahead. He said he thinks this would be more stressful on Castle than on a trained cop."

"Have either of you noticed any symptoms that might be related to PTSD?"

"No, but Castle's hard to read. I don't know that either of us might notice symptoms, and he's not with us all the times. I mean he could have nightmares every night and we'd never know."

Dr. Burke thought for a moment. "Kate, in the absence of any evidence of any symptoms of PTSD, I have no basis for a diagnosis. Stress is an odd thing. Some people actually thrive on the sort of stress you experienced. They can't feel alive unless they're facing death. Other people simply can process it better than others. As long as they're able to process the stress, they don't develop PTSD. If you're worried that Mr. Castle has symptoms, talk to him about it. I'd be glad to see him, or recommend another therapist if he'd prefer."

The block of ice had formed in Kate's stomach and was starting to twist. She had to tell Dr. Burke the rest, no matter how difficult. "There's more. Castle said that he loves me." She blurted out.

Dr. Burke stared at Kate. "That's not at all complicated. What did you say when he told you?"

Kate couldn't bear to tell the truth. "He didn't tell me. I overheard him. He doesn't know that I know." Kate rushed on before Burke could ask another question. "Esposito thinks this could be the stress that's bothering Castle. He has no idea of how I feel about him. Esposito thinks that the danger he puts himself in to be near me, combined with not knowing whether I feel anything for him, is "wearing" on Castle, to use Esposito's words. Castle may be wondering if he's risking his life every day for a woman who doesn't care about him."

"I think we can safely say that you do care for him, don't you?"

Kate nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

Doctor Burke waited to see if Detective Beckett would say more. Finally, he spoke. "It would seem that Castle's declaration of love would make things less complicated for you. Do you agree?"

Kate shook her head. "I don't know."

Burke thought for a minute. "Do you have any reason to believe his statement that he loves you was false?"

"It's not that. I believe he loves me now, but he's been married twice before. He loved the women he married, but he doesn't love either of them now. How can I…" Kate stopped, and then spoke again. "I always said I was a one and done kind of a girl. When I marry I expect that it will be forever. I can't even consider the possibility that someone I love would stop loving me. I just can't do it."

"My practice covers many areas, Kate. I have done my share of marriage counseling. Was Castle at fault in the divorces?"

That question brought Kate up short. Castle hadn't talked much about his marriages. "I think he said his first wife had an affair with a producer, she's an actress, and the first he knew about it was when he was served with the divorce papers. I've met his second wife, only briefly, but I'm not sure what caused that breakup." However, in the back of Kate's mind was the image of Castle as the playboy with a beautiful woman on each arm.

Dr. Burke nodded. "You have no reason to believe that Castle was at fault in his divorces? You have no evidence of infidelity on his part? No history of violence? Substance abuse? Any kind of abuse?"

"No!" Kate said sharply. "Castle's not like that at all. He would never…"

Dr. Burke smiled. "I think I can safely say, based on all of my talks with you, that you have a very high opinion of Mr. Castle."

Kate just nodded, unwilling to trust herself to say anything.

Dr. Burke continued. "You've seen his relationships with other people, his daughter, for instance, haven't you? What's that like?"

Kate thought about Rick and Alexis. "He would do anything for his daughter. You might think that a father like that would have spoiled his daughter, but Alexis is…" Kate thought and then spoke truthfully. "Alexis is just like the daughter I'd love to have."

"Would you like to have children with…a man like Mr. Castle?"

Kate smiled, but said nothing.

"And you say this man has been following you into danger for several years now?"

Again, Kate just nodded.

"Kate, no one can predict the future, but it sounds to me that Mr. Castle is ready for you whenever you're ready for him. He may not wait forever, you know. You should…"

Dr. Burke was stopped by a mild ding from his watch. "Ah! I see our time is up for today, Kate. Now that Mr. Castle has said he loves you, it is important that you decide what you want. You're going to have to face this, and you'll have to talk to Mr. Castle about how you both feel. You should also ask Mr. Castle about the possible problem you mentioned. I'll be happy to help him if he needs it."

Kate Beckett sat nervously at her desk, trying to decide how to broach the subject with Castle.

"I should really be on my way, Beckett. Nothing happening here, folks. Move along."

"No!" Kate said, too quickly. "I mean, I need to talk to you. "

Castle shrugged. "Talk away."

"Not here. Come with me." Kate rose and headed for an empty office.

As she reached the door, Esposito called to her. "Beckett, you need to come see this."

"Not now, Espo." She said over her shoulder. She as not going to allow herself to be distracted this time.

"Beckett, you really need to…"

Kate stuck her head out the door as Castle went in. "I said not now! Not now! Okay?"

Castle stood there looking at her with an odd look on his face. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." Kate said quickly. "What I want to ask you is, are you all right?"

Castle shrugged. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

Kate took a deep breath. "You know I've been having problems since I was shot."

"Hey, if you need help with anything, I'm right here."

"No, no." This was not working out as Kate had thought. "I'm worried about you. Having…problems of my own has made me more conscious of what you've been going through these last couple of years. You've been shot at, beaten up, almost blown up…I just want to know if you're okay? Do you have flashbacks? Nightmares? Problems concentrating? Anything?"

Castle shook his head. "Absolutely not. I'm fine. I mean, nothing that's happened to me is anything like what's happened to you." Castle smiled at her. "Why the sudden concern for my well-being?"

Beckett took a step forward, putting her face right into Castle's. "Sudden concern? What the hell do you mean by sudden concern? Do you think I don't worry about you every time we walk down a dark alley or when I kick in a door and you follow me through it?"

Castle tried to explain. "Of course…I didn't mean...I know that…You worry, I know that…"

Beckett took a step back. "I worry about you all the time. I even worry about you when you're at home asleep." She didn't add that she mostly worried about whether he was in bed alone and whether she'd ever find herself in bed with Castle.

"I'm sorry, Beckett. I didn't mean to imply that you didn't. It's just that you're no exactly known for opening yourself up to other people, you know."

Without meaning to, Castle had brought up what Kate thought of as her responsibility for so much of their problems. She had to say something and say it now. "Castle…"

"Beckett! Captain Gates wants you two out here now." Esposito called.

"Esposito, in a minute."

"She wants everyone…"

"In a minute!" Kate tried to find her train of thought. "Castle, I know what a problem I've been over the years. I know I don't open up to people and say what I feel."

"Detective Beckett! Mister Castle! Get out here right this instant!" Gates barked.

"Castle, please wait for me." Kate leaned in and brushed her lips against Castle's. "Please."

Kate walked away, pulling her blouse out of her slacks as she went. She turned at the door. "Come on, Castle."

Castle was standing there in near shock. Kate Beckett had kissed him? He quietly followed her.

"Detective Beckett. Mr. Castle. When I call a meeting in my precinct, I expect everyone to arrive promptly. I do not do this to hear myself speak, you know."

"I'm sorry, sir." Kate said, "But I've had a…wardrobe malfunction." Beckett gestured to her blouse which she was holding tightly over the top of her slacks. "I need to go to my locker, please."

Gates nodded. "Of course. What I have to say won't take long. Your team can brief you when you get back."

As Kate walked away, she heard Castle's sing-song voice, "I saw London, I saw France, I saw Beckett's underpants."

"Mr. Castle! That is uncalled for!"

At least Castle was covering for her with that absurd song. Kate hoped that she had managed to let Castle know something of how she felt. She knew she'd have to do better, and soon.


	4. Chapter 4

The Conversation

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: All theirs. Rating: M Time: After Castle and Beckett's argument in Always.

Authors note: I have always hated the end of the argument in Always. Of all the things that I think Castle would do, leaving Beckett when she's facing death is at the bottom of the list. That said, I'm not at all sure he'd do what I wrote below, but… Maybe Castle does have some problems?

"Well, I guess there's nothing I can say, is there? Um, okay…Yeah, you're right, Kate. It's your life. You can throw it away if you want, but I'm not gonna stick around and watch you, so this is, uh…over. I'm done."

Rick turned on his heel and walked towards the door.

Kate had to have the last word. "Fine, leave. That's what the class clowns always do."

Castle stopped short. Something snapped. Seriously snapped. "The class clown? You think all I do is comic relief? Fine, I'll show you something hilarious. You won't be able to stop laughing." He turned and strode towards Beckett.

"Get out of here, Castle! I don't need you and I don't want you around."

Beckett grabbed at him but was surprised when he lowered his shoulder and knocked her on her butt. He went past her and into her bedroom.

"Don't you dare go into my bedroom!" She screamed and went after him.

She stood in the doorway. "Castle, I'm warning you…" The words died in her mouth when he turned around. Her service pistol was in his hands. However, he was holding it with the muzzle towards him with his thumb hooked around the trigger.

"You're going to love this little bit of comedy, Beckett." He took a step towards her. "Do you know what your problem is? You always get to the deaths after they're all over. You've never gotten to see one actually happen. I did, though. I got to ride in the ambulance with you and watch you die. I got to see the life drain from you. I got to sit there praying while the medics worked on you." He took another step towards her. "Come on, Kate. You have a thing for death, don't you? You think about it. You live it. You immerse yourself in it. And my death should really excite you. How many times have you threatened to shoot me in the past? Isn't this the perfect end to our partnership? You shoot me and then go out into the world with a big bulls-eye on your back. And before you know it, we're both dead."

Beckett took two steps backwards into her living room again. As she always did, she suppressed any emotion so she could deal with the situation in front of her. Even so, a tiny portion of her mind was screaming. "Castle, put the gun down. You don't want to do this." She said as calmly as she could

Castle laughed. "Why not? It's not like you'll get into trouble. Gates will probably write you up for a commendation for killing me. But, wait. You'll be dead too. It's a win-win situation."

Castle took three steps towards her, she grabbed the butt of the weapon, but his hand closed over hers. He was trying to force her trigger finger onto the trigger. He pulled her towards him.

"There we go. We're aimed right at my heart. Hey, we can have matching scars. How about that. Come on, Beckett, all you have to do is put your finger on the trigger and pull."

Beckett managed to slide her other hand around the butt of her pistol and wedge her other trigger finger behind the trigger. She could feel the pressure of Castle's thumb moving the trigger ever so slightly.

"Castle, the gun is loaded, there's a round in the chamber and you took the safety off." Beckett tried to switch the safety on, but Castle's finger was over it and wouldn't move, no matter how hard she tried.

"What good is an unloaded gun, Beckett? Look, all you have to do is think of this as shooting an accessory for the Espresso machine. That's all I really am to you, isn't it? Something to bring you coffee every morning for years?"

"Rick, please. Put the gun down. You know that isn't right."

"Hey, what would I know? I'm just a ten year old on a sugar high. The funniest kind in the third grade. I have the attention span of a cocker spaniel, remember? I'm the problem you've been trying to get rid of for years. Now's your chance. Take it." Beckett could feel his thumb pressing down harder on the trigger. Castle's smile was so creepy, Beckett shuddered. "Don't you have some snotty remark to make? Hell, I've been putting up with them for four years now. Why stop now? Wouldn't you like to insult my intelligence? How about what I do for a living? Hey! How about my ex-wives? That's always good for a laugh. Or how about my sexuality? That's always good for a Beckett one liner."

"I'm sorry I ever said any of those things to you, Castle."

"Yeah. I can see your heart breaking from here. Just like mine did." Castle chuckled. "Isn't death your solution to all of your problems, Kate? It worked for Coonan and Lockwood. Of course it worked for your mom, the other three that Coonan killed. It worked for Montgomery. It'll work for us. No more wall. No more intrusive writer. Just a tombstone."

"I know what you're doing now. You're trying to get me mad by talking about my mother and Montgomery. It won't work." Kate lowered her voice. "Please, Rick. Let go of the gun."

"When you pry it from my cold, dead hands."

Castle braced himself and Beckett saw her opening. She snap kicked Castle in the groin. She felt his grip loosen and kicked again. And again. She tore the pistol from his hands as he sank to his knees, groaning in pain. Beckett slammed him down onto his face and straddled him. She pulled out her handcuffs and cuffed his hands behind him. "Stay down." She barked. She stood and ran to her bedroom. She grabbed her backup pistol and ran to her closet. Buried in the bottom was a gun safe she'd bought years before. She put both weapons inside and spun the combination lock.

When she walked back into her living room, Castle was on his knees. She grabbed his shoulder and pushed him back down onto his face. "I said stay down."

She stood there over him, dragging ragged breaths into her lungs. She could feel the adrenaline coursing in her veins.

She knelt by him. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Sure. I fell in love with Detective Kate Beckett. You can't get any crazier than that."

She put her hand on his shoulder. "I am absolutely furious with you. What you did was unforgiveable. You had no right to make decisions about my life without even considering my wishes. You kept information from me that could help me catch my mother's killer." Kate felt a catch in her throat. "You did that because you loved me." She said quietly.

"I won't make that mistake again." Castle snarled. "How about letting me up and letting me go home. I'm sick of you, Beckett."

"We aren't done here."

"Go to hell, Detective."

Castle tried to lever himself up off the floor, but couldn't get any leverage with Beckett holding his shoulder down.

"So, your plan is to screw up my life and then walk out the door?"

"Your life was screwed up before I ever met you. You'll be screwed up for the rest of your short life." Castle kept trying to rise from the floor, but wasn't able.

"Okay, I was screwed up. You had nothing to do with that. But when we met, no all-powerful conspiracy was sending hit men after me. I had put my mother's murder behind me. You got her file. You gave my mom's file to Dr. Murray. That led us to Coonan. When I killed Coonan, to save you, by the way, they, whoever the hell they are, knew I was looking for my mom's killer again. Now they want me dead. In what fantasy world does that not make this your fault, Castle?"

Castle stopped trying to stand. Beckett waited and finally he spoke. "What the hell do you want me to do? Stand around and watch you die? I will not go through that again."

"What I expect is that we'll do what we always do. Tomorrow my partner and I will go to the 12th. We'll go over every scrap of evidence we have. We'll have Esposito and Ryan to help us. We will find this son of a bitch and we'll take him down, just like we always do. And when we're done, we'll both be alive, just like we always are. That is what I expect you to do, Castle. That is the absolute minimum I will accept from you after what you did to me. Do you understand that?"

"Where do you get your plans from, Beckett? Wile E. Coyote? My plans make more sense than that."

Beckett looked down at Castle, glad he couldn't see her face and the tears in her eyes. "You bastard." She said softly.

So, does everyone think his would be a good place to stop for a while?


	5. Chapter 5

The Convergence

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Not this anyway. Rating: M Time: Always AU.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Did you really think I didn't have the rest of this all ready to go? Did you think I'd leave poor Kate like that? BTW, the next installment of the Dinner at Remy's series is ready to go, too.**

"I said it was a dumb plan. I didn't say I wouldn't help you. Hell, I'll even bring you coffee in the morning."

Kate let out a breath and sagged slightly. _Thank god_. She thought. "Okay, get up."

"Letting me go?"

She pulled him to his feet and pushed him towards her bedroom. "The adrenaline rush is wearing off. I'm starting to get the shakes and on this hard floor it's no fun."

Inside her bedroom, she pushed Castle onto the bed face first. She un-cuffed one hand, but before he could react, she snapped the cuff onto the headboard.

"There was a time I would have enjoyed being handcuffed to your bed, you know."

Kate made no reply. She walked to the other side of the bed and lay down on her side, facing Castle but several feet away. He was on his back, looking at the ceiling.

"You absolutely terrified me in there, you know. I had no idea you were capable of such insanity."

"You'll survive." He shot back.

"I don't make any apologies for what I am. Who I am. What I do. I know what I've become since my mother died. All I had for many years was the satisfaction of putting killers away. Making sure they never killed again. That was what I was and that was all I was. A thing for solving crimes. I would have loved to be what I was before. I would have loved to have been a fully functioning human being when I met my favorite author. We probably would have enjoyed each other's company. Maybe even become friends. When we actually did meet, I wish that I had treated you differently. All I ever did was try to push you away, just like I pushed everyone else away until the learned what my limits were. I'm sorry for that, Castle."

"I know, Beckett. You had a lot of help getting to where you are." Castle sounded tired. Bone tired.

Kate took a deep breath and tried to order her thoughts. Castle had actually said something that wasn't hurtful to her. She had to go on. "You didn't need to tell me that you loved me, there at Montgomery's funeral. I already knew. Everybody saw the attraction between us. I finally accepted it."

"You might have saved me a lot of trouble by mentioning you couldn't have cared less." Castle still stared at the ceiling and Kate couldn't see his face. Was he really so cold?

"Do you remember when I met Kyra Blaine? The one who got away?"

Castle laughed. "Sure. What are you planning to do, form a club with her? The Castle's Dumb Mistakes with Women Club?"

Kate shook her head, even though Castle couldn't see her. "She surprised me. She was beautiful, of course. But she was real and very smart. I hadn't expected that."

"I'm sure you expected a dim-witted bimbo. Who else would you think would put up with Richard Castle, boy idiot?"

Kate ignored the insult. She would not let Castle get under her skin. "When you saw her again, it was like you'd been gone for five minutes. You were a couple again, at once. And you kissed her, up there on that roof."

"If I'd known I had an audience…" Castle stopped. "No, I wouldn't have done anything else."

"When the case was over and she came in to see you, I knew exactly what was going to happen. She was going to tell you that she didn't want Greg, she wanted you. When she leaned in to kiss you, I knew you'd said yes to her. You were going to walk out of my life forever."

"I noticed you managed to contain your glee, Beckett."

Kate edged closer to Rick. "Then she kissed you on the cheek and walked out. As he left, she told me, "He's all yours."

Rick laughed, but Kate went on. "That's when I realized I still had a chance with you and that I wanted that chance because I was falling in love with you. And I have continued to fall more deeply in love with you with every passing day." Kate could feel hot tears running down her cheeks. She scooted over next to Castle.

"Are you out of your mind, Beckett?"

Kate nodded sadly. "I fell in love with Richard Castle. You can't get any crazier than that, can you?"

"Kate…"

Kate put her hand over his mouth. "I told you we weren't done yet. I'm going to tell you something and for once I will not be interrupted."

"I understand why you hate me. I don't blame you after how I've treated you. But you fell in love with me anyway and I intend to replace your hate with love. If you'd fall in love with me when I'm pushing you away, I know I can find a way to rekindle that love if I put my whole being into it."

"You want to shadow a homicide detective? Fine. I'll bring the coffee every morning. I'll listen to all of your theories, help you build theory and I'll never insult you. We'll solve cases together, just like before."

"You want to write another Nikki Heat? I'll be Nikki Heat. I'll tell you anything and everything you need to know. You want Nikki Heat at a book signing or book release? I'll be there. You want Nikki Heat naked on the front cover of the next book? You can use me as the model."

"You want sex, Castle? How'd you like me, naked and handcuffed on your bed? You want to see me as a Yorkie school girl in knee socks and a short, plaid skirt? In a leather miniskirt, fishnets and a tube top? How about your Russian girlfriend, Tatania?" Kate switches to a Russian accent. "Kessel, do you vant me to show you how ve stay varm on those Moscow nights? You want Kate Beckett to be a slut? You won't believe how slutty I can be for you. Just for you. I'm your slut."

Castle actually laughs. "Kate, you'd be wasting your time."

Kate shakes her head. "I won't give you up, Castle. Never."

Castle laughs again. "I'm lying here handcuffed to your bed. My head hurts where you slammed it against the floor and my balls feel like they're on fire. And I love you as much right now as I ever have."

"What?" Kate pulled Castle towards her so she could look in his face. "You had better not be teasing me, because if you are…"

"Do you think I can turn love off and on any time I feel like it?"

Kate propped herself up on one elbow and stared into Castle's face. He was telling her the truth! She leaned down and kissed him. To her surprise, Castle didn't kiss her back. She tried to slide her tongue into his mouth, but his mouth remained closed. "You love me but you won't kiss me?" She asked, trying to make sense of things.

"I love you, but I'm still mad at you. You've known for years that I love you? I try to save your life and I don't even get credit for trying? I get yelled at instead? We're partners, but you always run things?"

Kate nodded slowly. "Okay, I deserve this. How long will you be mad at me?"

"I don't know. A year, maybe?"

"A year! Castle, are you…" Kate stopped. "Of course. A year will be fine. It's all up to you, Rick."

Rick smiled and shook his head. "You should be furious at me as well after what I just did to you. What I said. In my defense, you do drive me out of my mind regularly. You have no idea how frustrating and infuriating it is to be in love with you. I've never known where I stood with you. I've never been able to quite figure out how you feel about me. Sometimes I'd think we were almost going to be a couple and the next minute I'd think you'd like nothing better than to see me gone forever. I look back at the past four years and all I see is me slamming my head into a wall. Your wall. I look at the future and all I see is me, slamming my head into that wall. Tonight all of that frustration just boiled over. I don't know how I'll ever get you to forgive me. I can't explain why I did what I did. Well, there's the fact that life without Kate Beckett doesn't hold a lot of appeal for me."

Kate put her head on his chest. "I deserved everything you said. I have treated you badly. You know why, of course. Not that you haven't said and done a few things that hurt me as well."

"I'll do everything in my power to never hurt you again."

"It's not just that I'm afraid of letting anyone close, it's…It's Richard Castle, twice married playboy. The man with a new babe on his arm every night. I believe you love me, and I believe you loved your ex-wives and what happened to your marriages? It's always in the back of my mind that one day Rick Castle will find a new muse, a new story to write and I'll be left behind. Alone and heart broken."

"How can I convince you that I'm not that Castle anymore?"

Kate shrugged. "I don't know. Right now, I don't care. It's enough for me to be able to lie here with you and say, "I love you, Richard Castle."

"I love you, Kate Beckett."

Suddenly, Kate looked at his feet. "Your shoes are on my clean bedspread? I just had that cleaned." She scooted to the end of the bed and began taking Castle's shoes off.

"Domestic Beckett." Castle said. "I hadn't expected this side to you."

While Castle relaxed, Beckett moved back towards him. She grabbed his belt and unbuckled it, undid his pants and pulled them down to his knees. Castle grabbed for her, but was brought up short. One hand was still cuffed to her headboard. Kate finished pulling his pants off.

"Beckett, this is police brutality. It's sexual harassment."

Kate smiled at him. "You know, Castle, there's never a cop around when you need one, too."

She stretched out beside him and slipped her hand under his boxers. "You may not want to kiss me, but I'll just bet I can get you to do something else." Kate giggled. "I do believe you're getting hard, Rick. And big, too. Oh, very big. You have a surprise for me, don't you?"

"Beckett, I'll get you for this."

"Oh, yes, you will. You really will." She slipped off of the bed and stood over him. "I told you I can be slutty for you, remember?"

Kate began humming and doing a dance. She began undoing the buttons of her blouse, one by one. When she was done, she turned around and let her blouse fall to the floor. She peeked over her shoulder at Castle and smiled. "Want to see more, Castle?"

Castle could only nod.

She turned back facing Castle and let one bra strap fall off of her shoulder, then the second. She turned away from him and reached behind her, undoing the bra's clasp. It fell to the floor. She whirled around, but her hands covered her breasts. "More?" She asked, huskily.

"More." He agreed.

She walked to the other side of the bed and sat, facing away from him. She took off her shoes, stood and walked to the foot of the bed. Facing away from him, she began slowly pushing her slacks down her long, trim legs. Finally they fell to the floor and she stepped out of them. Now all she was wearing was a pair of black bikini panties.

She looked back over her shoulder at Castle. Then she cocked her hips to the left, and then to the right. She put her thumbs in the waistband and pushed down. She stopped when her panties were just above her knees and wiggled her bottom. Castle was amazed at how firm and toned her bottom was. She pushed her panties down and turned to face Castle. One hand was between her thighs, the other covered one breast, allowing the other to peek out.

She dropped one hand and then the other. "Do you want me, Rick?"

"I love you, Kate."

She reached over and pulled his boxers down. He was fully aroused. She laughed and straddled him. "I told you, I'm your slut. Your personal, private slut."

Castle shook his head. "You're never that. You're the woman I love."

"Even better. But can't I be slutty for you, too?"

"As long as you remember how much I love you."

Kate lifted herself up and slowly let Castle enter her. "I've waited so damned long for this. I've been so damned stupid to come so close to losing you. I should have gone out with you when we first met."

Castle began flexing his hips, driving into her. "No, that would have been nothing but sex. Nothing permanent would have come of it. We had to wait until I was mature enough for you."

"You don't think I'd have matured you, writer boy? You don't know Kate Beckett."

"I can't believe we waited so long for this. Lean forward, please."

She did and Castle used his free hand to stroke her breasts. First one, then the other, then tweaking each nipple in turn.

"Castle…My God! So soon. I'm coming."

"Me too. Kate, you're unbelievable."

They climaxed together and Kate sank down onto her lover. To her surprise, Castle was gently kissing her. "That was an awfully fast year."

Castle shrugged. "Did you really think I could wait a year? I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did."

"I want to spend every night like this. With you." She whispered.

"Do you think you could undo the cuffs?"

Kate smiled at him. "I think I like it this way."

"I really need to pee."

Kate sighed. "If I let you go, you're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"

"You mean like fall in love with you and neglect to tell you? Or piss you off by trying to keep you alive? Or deciding to take on some vast, shadowy conspiracy with you? How can you even think I'd do something stupid?"

Kate slid to the other side of the bed and grabbed her slacks from the floor. Pulling her key from a pocket, she unlocked the cuff. "Hurry back."

Castle was quickly back and snuggled down with her, putting both of his arms around her.

"What should we do next?"

"I hate to say it, but we need to get some sleep." Kate replied. "We're going to be working flat out from now on, and probably dodging bullets."

Castle nodded. "Keeping you alive is about the only thing that's more important to me than making love to you."

"I do want to fall asleep in your arms from now on."

"Anything, Kate. Anything."

Next morning they were ready to leave for the precinct. Kate handed Castle her back-up pistol. "This will be the most dangerous thing we've ever done. You'll need to be armed. Whatever you do, don't let Gates see this."

"What about you. You still need a backup piece."

"I know a guy. I'll have another backup by the afternoon."

Kate put her arms around Castle's neck and rested her head on his chest. "I'm so sorry. So sorry."

"What?" Castle was worried about the sudden change in Kate. Had he done something wrong?

"My mom's death has dominated my life. First in trying to solve her murder. Then in trying to bring justice to all the other victims out there. My mom's death is no longer the most important thing in my life. You are. If they weren't trying to kill me, if I could just walk away from her death, I would. When this is over, we'll have to have a long talk about what my life will be like."

"There's nothing wrong with your life, except for the guy we're going to put out of business."

Kate shook her head. "No. I want you to know that whatever kind of relationship you want to have with me is fine with me. As much or as little of me as you want. If you find someone…"

"No!" Rick said loudly. "That is totally unacceptable."

Kate was shocked at his vehemence. What had she done wrong?

"You're a one and done girl, and that's the only relationship we'll ever have. You and me, forever. Always. I refuse to allow you to consider anything else. When we get a chance, we're going ring shopping."

"Rings?" Kate wasn't sure she'd heard right.

"Wedding rings. One for you and one for me? That's the way it's done, you know. I have that on good authority, too."

"I accept."

"Okay, are you ready to walk through that door and into the rest of your life?"

And then they walked through the door.


End file.
